Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Nature's pocket, etc.

Hey guys, I exist! I just haven't really cared about writing, or anything that requires much effort, lately. Living alone is wonderful, but it is also severely demotivating. All I ever want to do is lay around and watch TV and maybe sometimes read (but mostly watch TV). Comedy Central now has a Chromecast app, so that's taken up most of my free time. On that note, if you' don't watch Broad City, we can't be friends.

Speaking of comedy, I've been spending a lot more time on it these days. I started taking an improv class earlier this month and it is so fucking fun. I don't envision myself becoming an improv actor (?) in the future, but spending 2 hours a week laughing with strangers is a pretty good use of time. Especially when you consider that the rest of my time is spent alone, eating with my cat.

Just kidding, you guys, I have friends, I swear!

I have some really great friends, in fact. A number of them came out to see me do stand-up at my very first open mic night last week. It was a pretty terrifying experience, or at least, the time leading up to going on stage was. I basically just sat there and panicked and sweated (?) until they called my name. This particular open mic was "lottery style", which means you are selected at random to go on stage, so you can see how that would be nerve-racking. 

So flattering. So visible.

Also, the gender gap at this open mic night was REAL. Out of 20+ comics, only 2.5 of us were women. No, there was not a hermaphrodite comedian (as far as I know), but the 3rd female comic only got through half of her bit. More on that later...

Of course, the other female comic goes up before me and starts talking about feminism. I start panicking even harder because, like, that's all I ever talk about, you know? I mean, I probably should have expected that, since feminism is cool now, but I didn't, so I worried that everyone there would think I was copying her, or worse, that they'd think every female comedian is the same. I expressed this fear to Meredith who accurately responded, "Every male comedian is the same. Every guy here has gone up and talked about his dick." So. That happened. But don't worry, I balanced it out by talking endlessly about my VAGINA. 

Anyway, I thought I did pretty well. People laughed. People laughed at me and my period. Did you know my period could be funny? Did you WANT to know that? Now you do.

Later in the night, the other female comedian got up. She started out fine, but then she never got to her punch line. Instead, she yelled at everyone about how she's NOT A FEMINIST, OKAY?! SHE HAS HER OWN OPINIONS, OKAY?! WHATEVER, YOU ALL SUCK, OKAY?!?!?!  I was actually scared for a while. 

Comedy aside, I hope she later reconsidered her thoughts and decided to join our cause. We're here for you, girl!

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Beyonce SOTU

Last night, I live tweeted the State Of The Union using only Beyonce quotes. In case you missed it, here is what the president said:

When he talked about paid maternity leave:

When he talked about equal pay for women:

When he talked about raising wages in general:

When he talked about making community college cost zero dollars:

When he mentioned Instagram:

When he talked about fighting terrorism:

When he talked about sanctions: 

When he talked about global warming:

When he talked about closing Gitmo:

When he said something about Americans being good people or whatever:

When he talked about making America better:

When he said something about equality again:

When he said, "I know, I won both of them":

Thursday, January 1, 2015


2014 was kind of stupid, considering all the awful things that happened nationally and, more importantly, how I missed half of the Beyonce show this summer. Good riddance, is what I have to say to 2014. It was a pretty good year for a lot of my friends, though, so that's nice. My Facebook year-in-review or whatever was mostly just pictures of me at other people's weddings. I basically spent the year celebrating other people's achievements. Good job, guys!  I am genuinely happy for you. But, I'm going to try to make 2015 more about me, which should come easily since I'm self-absorbed. I'll let you know how it goes, of course. 

My new year's eve was supremely interesting and also fantastic, and I hope it's an omen for the rest of the year. I performed stand up at my friend's party for the first time in my life and it felt pretty good and I didn't throw up at all. It made me want to do it again and soon. And maybe when that happens I'll actually tell people about it ahead of time, but probably not because I care way more about what my friends think about me than what strangers do. 

Why stand up when you can sit down? 

On that note, one of my new years resolutions is to not make any more friends. Sorry. I have so many friends, great friends, and I don't need any more. Especially male friends. Literally aint got time for that. Like, don't talk to me unless you're going to date me. I can watch football alone and prefer to, actually. 

I do need at least one of my friends, male or female, to go to Iceland with me. That's my other resolution - take the Game of Thrones tour in Iceland and see where Jon Snow lost his virginity.

$99 flights starting in March. Just saying.