Friday, January 20, 2012

Sleepnever

There's something I need everyone to know: I hate sleepovers. Hate. H-A-T-E.  I have since I was a child. Slumber parties? Not for me. I also don't really like to watch movies, so I was a pretty shitty friend as a teenage girl. 


Third bitch in from the left.


The thing is, I don't care how much I like you; I never want to spend the night at your house. You could be my best friend. We could be related. I don't care; I still don't want to. I could want to sleep with you and still not want to sleep with you, you see what I'm saying?


The mere suggestion that I stay at your house makes me my heart beat at an irregular rate. And not in a like, I'm so excited, I have butterflies kind of way. More like, I'm so anxious about the thought of sleeping at your house that I'm going to throw up right here and right now.


You're welcome to sleep at my house. You're welcome to sleep in my bed, even. [That's a lie and not an open invitation. And also, if you do sleep in my bed, be prepared to wake up to my cat lying on your stomach and/or staring you down (not sure if that's either terrifying or hilarious, but it's definitely the reason why I'm single).] But just be prepared that I am not sleeping at yours. If in the off-chance I do, I will not actually sleep at any point. I will roll around. I'll go and sit in your living room. I'll leave in the middle of the night. I'll sit and wonder for hours and hours why you only have a sheet on your bed. What the fuck is that all about anyway? Don't you ever get cold? Don't you ever want to be comforted by a comforter? Don't you ever think to yourself: If I ever want a girlfriend I have to stop living like a frat boy? Because you should. You should think about those things. 


Sorry, I got off topic. This is not about boys (though I do truly wonder why they all have such shitty bedding). Like I said, I don't even want to sleep at my sister's house. I have a problem, and I'm sorry. But I'd feel a lot better if you all took this to heart and never presented me with such a dreadful idea as sleeping at your house.


Thank you.


7 comments:

  1. We're gonna make a masterpiece a pizza.
    A work of art like the Mona Lisa.
    It's gonna be igh like the Tower of Pisa.
    but to get tehre, you dont need a visa.



    that happened during an olsen twins sleepover. you missed out on that.

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  2. Lunch with the banana bunch, there's creatures here on ice.

    Yeah! And fire breathing dragons that are really rather nice.

    You need to know just when to jump and when you should...

    Let's go! Or you might end up just like us inside the

    vide-vide-vide-video

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  3. I'm so glad that I am not the only one who shares a fear of sleepovers. They make me so anxious that I literally start tweaking out. I don't know why but id rather die of frostbite in my car than sleep on the floor and have whip cream put on my hands.

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  5. I once 'fake threw up' in the bathroom at a sleepover so my mom could pick me up and I could get the eff out of there in the 4th grade. I totally get you

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  6. It's so comforting to know I'm not the only person who feels this way.

    If I ever have a teenage daughter I'm going to tell her she can call me at any time of night and I will pick her up so she doesn't have to sleep anywhere other than home.

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  7. MK&A throw the best sleepovers. PUT IT ON THE PIZZA! P I Z Z A!

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