Thursday, November 17, 2011

Delicious and Nutritious?

The most serious relationship I'm in right now is with Brian Williams. Now that I go to the gym in the morning, I can come home and have dinner with him every night. And what a catch he is: he's smart; he's witty; he's a silver fox. But, best of all, he's reliable. He shows up in my living room every night at 6:30 without fail. I've never met a man like him before. 


Last night, Brian and I talked about how fucking stupid Congress is. This week, they decided that pizza is a vegetable. I don't know how anyone could make that claim without feeling like a total asshole, but apparently they think 2 tablespoons of tomato PASTE constitutes a serving of vegetables. And that is why pizza is a healthy option for kids -- because under layers of cheese and grease is two tablespoons of tomato paste.  

Under this reasoning, I'm going to assume that jelly beans are also a vegetable. And Cheez-Its must be a good source of protein. Shit, Guinness is full of minerals, right? That must mean that beer is a nutritious meal

Well, this is exciting news because I've spent years trying to be healthy by eating whole grains and greens and fruit when really all I needed was some Ellio's pizza and a PBR. What's weird is that when I was eating stuff like that every day, I somehow gained 30 pounds. But I guess that doesn't happen to kids. Especially the ones eating free or reduced school lunches consisting of french fries and tomato paste. Oh wait...

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