Friday, October 28, 2011


I've always envisioned myself meeting someone the old-fashioned way -- drunk in a bar -- which was 99% of the reason I joined a kickball league. Because after approximately 20 minutes of light activity, everyone heads to the bar for four hours of flip cup and debauchery.

But after two seasons of this, all I'm left with is 10 extra pounds and a lack of dignity. Certainly not a boyfriend. This is why I've been toying with the idea of trying online dating. However, after browsing some of the clientele on one of the sites last night, I'm thinking it may not be for me for a few reasons:

1) I'm an asshole, and I will immediately write you off if you:
          a) take pictures of yourself in the mirror using your cell phone -- this method is best used by teenage girls with low-self esteem and people still on Myspace, not grown men. Grown men should never, ever do this. Ever. You look like an idiot. You also probably have no friends if the only picture you have of yourself is the one you took of yourself in a mirror.
          b) say you "like to go out but also like to stay in sometimes." This is not interesting; you just described living. 
          c) spell things wrong, use improper grammar, generally treat the English language like a piece of shit whore.
          d) are too positive. For example, one person wrote that he "sees the good in everyone." I find this unattractive and weak. 

2) Online dating is fairly superficial (see #1). If I met you in person, I might not know that you think "advise" is a noun and therefore give you a chance.

3) Meeting you in person allows you to buy me things sooner. Things like food and drink. This is critical because I'm always hungry and also poor. And because cheese is the way to my heart.

And lastly,

4) I want to be courted, not emailed.

So although I'm sure online dating is great for some people, I think I'm going to continue focusing on beer for a while and see where that gets me. That is, until I'm 30. If I'm still single at 30, you should call 911.


  1. Hahahah midnight June 16th 911 call.

  2. 1. That was the reason I joined kickball.
    2. I'm currently on OkCupid
    3. I'll be 30 in 2 months.
    4. FUCK

  3. I've sort of had a change of heart over the last few months. Dating sucks. Perhaps a blog post is in order.


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