Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Hunger Games

I just said to my boss, "I gotta go see about a cookie."

I didn't intentionally quote Good Will Hunting - I really had to go see about a cookie because I wasn't sure if a cookie even existed at the dining hall, which is where I was going. It did, and it was peanut butter, and it was amazing, for the record.

Anyway, this all made me think about how, if my life were ever turned into a romantic comedy, it would be a long, drawn-out tale of my dramatic love affair with food, and the final scene would be me running through Chicago O'Hare airport to get a bag of Garretts Popcorn right before my flight departed. JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME.

I'm hungry, you guys. I'm sort of always hungry, actually. I started making smoothies for breakfast recently and everyone I have told has been like, "Don't they keep you full for so long?!" And I'm like, "What is 'full'?"

I always thought smoothies were kind of bullshit because I like to chew my food. Because I'm only 28 and I still have all my teeth and one day I will be forced to drink all my nutrients but today is not that day, so hand over a cookie! But for real, smoothies are actually pretty good. When followed by real food, at least.

So, yeah, hunger. Whenever I'm out with someone and they say, "Are you hungry? Do you want to eat?" I'm like, Yes, of course. I always want to eat. Who would say no to that? I guess people who, like, don't always feel hungry(???). Or people who think not eating is cool. I remember in college when I'd go out with a bunch of girl friends and they wouldn't order food because they, quote, "weren't hungry" and then when my meal arrived, they'd be like "mm can I just, like, have a bite?" Nope, fuck you, you're not hungry. That's what I would say.

I didn't bring enough food for lunch.  That's what this post is about.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

50 Shades of Starving

Confession: I saw 50 Shades of Grey... and it was precisely how I thought it would be. In fact, my preemptive review was spot on, so I don't have any more to say about it on the feminist front (you're welcome). I will say that it was entirely too long, but I feel that way about almost every movie. In general, the only reason I go to the movies is because someone asks me to, or because I want an excuse to drink a gallon of Diet Coke.


Anyway, overall, the sex was pretty tame, which could be because they wanted to be able to show the movie in mainstream theaters; but, nevertheless, if that's all I have to do to get someone to buy me a car and a laptop [and pay my student loans], then by all means, I'll sign a contract! Just kidding, just kidding, just kidding. Sort of.

When Anastasia revealed that she was a virgin, I exclaimed "jackpot!" because I couldn't hold back, because I had to combat that cliche somehow, because I came here to be entertained, god damn it. What the movie lacked (substance, plot, character development, quality), I made up for with my internal monologue: 
  • Why aren't they ever eating anything? So many delicious items gone to waste -- that perfect-looking muffin, surprise business meeting sushi. You guys are selfish and ungrateful and I'm starving!
  • Her laptop is broken, so he buys her a new one. Her car is old, so he buys her a new one. BUT SHE'S STILL USING A FUCKING FLIP PHONE, YOU GUYS.
  • If this was my fantasy put on film, Christian would be a lot hotter and probably more manly. Then  again, I guess he is only 27. 27 and a billionaire. WTF am I doing with my life?
  • What's happening to his accent? Is he Irish now? Is that part of the mystery? Are we going to find out his true nationality in part 3?
  • This dude is so boring, though. You're so rich, and you mostly just sit at home, listening to opera, pouring expensive wine AND NOT DRINKING IT? Next. 
  • The worst thing he'd ever do is not that bad, but that might be because they removed "anal fisting" from the contract. But wait a minute...  she never signed the contract! And he's still not fisting! I  guess Christian Grey is just a nice guy deep down. A nice guy with a dark past! What happened Christian? Just kidding, don't tell us. This movie is too long as it is. 
  • You guys, but why don't they eat anything? I guess you're never hungry if you're getting all your satisfaction in the red room. Next month's Cosmo's dieting tip will surely be, "Replace one meal a day with light bondage."
  • I didn't buy a big enough bag of popcorn for this.

Jokes aside, it really is a story about an abusive relationship, not even considering the sex parts. But on the bright side, the movie doesn't glorify this kind of relationship because it is so SO bad that the only thing one could take away from it is that it is so so bad. It's like the soft-core porn version of Sharknado. You watch it to laugh. And post on twitter.

target="_self">Making Melissa

Monday, February 16, 2015

The Winter of Discontent

Everyone in Boston is outrageously pissed about the weather. If you want to know how they feel, just stand in their general vicinity. Strangers will start complaining to you in the locker room about how terrible their lives are as the result of snow. Please, please stop talking to me A) because I don't care, B) because I don't know you, and C) because you're literally naked right now. Put on some clothes and go away from me.

I'm having an OK time this winter since I keep getting days off from work, have a pound of bacon in my fridge, and don't own a single thing of value that I would have to shovel out.  Enjoy your homes and cars, people! I'm sitting pretty in my managed apartment in the ghetto. Loves ya.

Now let's play a game:

Kill: Cupid... because he aint done shit for me.
Marry: Mother Nature... because it will literally shower you with attention.
F: The MBTA... because I always go for men who are unreliable and distant.

Your turn. 

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Nature's pocket, etc.

Hey guys, I exist! I just haven't really cared about writing, or anything that requires much effort, lately. Living alone is wonderful, but it is also severely demotivating. All I ever want to do is lay around and watch TV and maybe sometimes read (but mostly watch TV). Comedy Central now has a Chromecast app, so that's taken up most of my free time. On that note, if you' don't watch Broad City, we can't be friends.

Speaking of comedy, I've been spending a lot more time on it these days. I started taking an improv class earlier this month and it is so fucking fun. I don't envision myself becoming an improv actor (?) in the future, but spending 2 hours a week laughing with strangers is a pretty good use of time. Especially when you consider that the rest of my time is spent alone, eating with my cat.

Just kidding, you guys, I have friends, I swear!

I have some really great friends, in fact. A number of them came out to see me do stand-up at my very first open mic night last week. It was a pretty terrifying experience, or at least, the time leading up to going on stage was. I basically just sat there and panicked and sweated (?) until they called my name. This particular open mic was "lottery style", which means you are selected at random to go on stage, so you can see how that would be nerve-racking. 

So flattering. So visible.

Also, the gender gap at this open mic night was REAL. Out of 20+ comics, only 2.5 of us were women. No, there was not a hermaphrodite comedian (as far as I know), but the 3rd female comic only got through half of her bit. More on that later...

Of course, the other female comic goes up before me and starts talking about feminism. I start panicking even harder because, like, that's all I ever talk about, you know? I mean, I probably should have expected that, since feminism is cool now, but I didn't, so I worried that everyone there would think I was copying her, or worse, that they'd think every female comedian is the same. I expressed this fear to Meredith who accurately responded, "Every male comedian is the same. Every guy here has gone up and talked about his dick." So. That happened. But don't worry, I balanced it out by talking endlessly about my VAGINA. 

Anyway, I thought I did pretty well. People laughed. People laughed at me and my period. Did you know my period could be funny? Did you WANT to know that? Now you do.

Later in the night, the other female comedian got up. She started out fine, but then she never got to her punch line. Instead, she yelled at everyone about how she's NOT A FEMINIST, OKAY?! SHE HAS HER OWN OPINIONS, OKAY?! WHATEVER, YOU ALL SUCK, OKAY?!?!?!  I was actually scared for a while. 

Comedy aside, I hope she later reconsidered her thoughts and decided to join our cause. We're here for you, girl!

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Beyonce SOTU

Last night, I live tweeted the State Of The Union using only Beyonce quotes. In case you missed it, here is what the president said:

When he talked about paid maternity leave:

When he talked about equal pay for women:

When he talked about raising wages in general:

When he talked about making community college cost zero dollars:

When he mentioned Instagram:

When he talked about fighting terrorism:

When he talked about sanctions: 

When he talked about global warming:

When he talked about closing Gitmo:

When he said something about Americans being good people or whatever:

When he talked about making America better:

When he said something about equality again:

When he said, "I know, I won both of them":

Thursday, January 1, 2015


2014 was kind of stupid, considering all the awful things that happened nationally and, more importantly, how I missed half of the Beyonce show this summer. Good riddance, is what I have to say to 2014. It was a pretty good year for a lot of my friends, though, so that's nice. My Facebook year-in-review or whatever was mostly just pictures of me at other people's weddings. I basically spent the year celebrating other people's achievements. Good job, guys!  I am genuinely happy for you. But, I'm going to try to make 2015 more about me, which should come easily since I'm self-absorbed. I'll let you know how it goes, of course. 

My new year's eve was supremely interesting and also fantastic, and I hope it's an omen for the rest of the year. I performed stand up at my friend's party for the first time in my life and it felt pretty good and I didn't throw up at all. It made me want to do it again and soon. And maybe when that happens I'll actually tell people about it ahead of time, but probably not because I care way more about what my friends think about me than what strangers do. 

Why stand up when you can sit down? 

On that note, one of my new years resolutions is to not make any more friends. Sorry. I have so many friends, great friends, and I don't need any more. Especially male friends. Literally aint got time for that. Like, don't talk to me unless you're going to date me. I can watch football alone and prefer to, actually. 

I do need at least one of my friends, male or female, to go to Iceland with me. That's my other resolution - take the Game of Thrones tour in Iceland and see where Jon Snow lost his virginity.

$99 flights starting in March. Just saying. 

Wednesday, December 31, 2014


[I started writing this months ago, before Harvard's settlement yesterday. It seems like now's a good time to post.]

In response to growing concern about campus sexual assault (and pressure from the government), many colleges and universities around the country have started to implement new sexual assault policies. Some of these policies focus primarily on consent. For instance, California state schools now follow the "yes means yes" standard for consent, meaning that consent must be affirmative for it to be consent.  This doesn't mean that consent requires a written statement or even a verbal yes, but it does mean that silence or impairment does not constitute consent. This is important, obviously, as alcohol consumption has continually been used as an excuse for sexual assault.  

But are regulations around affirmative consent enough? Probably not.  Harvard University's new Title IX policy (adopted by most Harvard schools, but not Harvard Law), for example, does not define consent. In fact, the creators of this policy believe the definition of affirmative consent is too narrow. In other words, it is not enough to just consider consent, as it is defined above, when investigating sexual assault cases. Silence or impairment does not constitute consent, nor does it constitute rape. A verbal yes does not constitute consent when you have been manipulated. Therefore, defining consent as a way to determine what constitutes rape is not sufficient. Alternatively, not defining consent gives victims of sexual assault more power. Some would say too much.

Harvard Law professors took issue with the university's new policy because it contradicted basic legal principles, in their opinion.  According to these professors:
“Harvard has adopted procedures for deciding cases of alleged sexual misconduct which lack the most basic elements of fairness and due process, are overwhelmingly stacked against the accused... [the rules are] starkly one-sided as between complainants and respondents, and entirely inadequate to address the complex issues involved in these unfortunate situations involving extreme use and abuse of alcohol and drugs by our students.” [Boston Globe]
Though a bit backwards, these professors do bring up a good point: sexual assault cases are complex. And for there to be real progress, we need to address these complexities. Now, I am in no way defending Harvard Law School. Judging by that quote alone, they seem to want to blame it on the alcohol. However, I do think that most of the policies institutions are now creating are weak. I commend colleges and universities for finally making strides to prevent sexual assault. (And I'd like to really emphasize finally here, since this has been an issue for decades and only now are we starting to address the problem.) But are they really trying to prevent sexual assault? Or are they just creating policies so that they can show they are investigating sexual assault, re-actively, and get the media off their backs?

Whatever those law professors believe, Harvard is moving in the right direction by getting away from focusing on consent when considering sexual assaults. Because the problem isn't consent, it's culture. The solution, then, is not to just define consent--it's to create an environment in which sexual assault is condemned, in which people are taught how to respect others and cultivate meaningful, safe relationships. It requires comprehensive sex education, including conversations about sexual entitlement, for both boys and girls. Most importantly, it requires a cultural shift well beyond college campuses. 

Monday, December 29, 2014

This is mostly about TV.

I'm one of those very lucky people who got 11 days off for holidays I don't care about. I have so much free time and I don't know what to do with it besides watch TV and think about cleaning my apartment. I continue to watch Scandal even though I hate it. Some observations I've made:

  • Olivia Pope's facial expressions are literally repulsive.
  • She also never stops crying. How do you have this kind of job if you're so emotionally unstable?
  • Typical woman.
  • Just kidding.
  • This show could use some better writers.
  • And actors.
  • I would like to have sex with the president.

I also finally started watching The Wire, which is amazing when I can actually understand what they are saying.

Other things I've watched this week:

  • Die Hard - Surprisingly entertaining. My favorite part was when Snape had a goatee. 
  • Love, Actually - Easy to not pay attention to. My favorite part was when Snape snubbed Professor Trelawney. 
  • Obvious Child - Sort of funny, sort of boring .  The message seemed to be something like, just get pregnant on a one-night-stand and you can find love in the 21st century!  Maybe that wasn't the intended message, but it was what I heard. I mean, it seems like you either do that or go on Tinder, and I honestly can't say which is worse. 

On that note, maybe Netflix should create some type of dating app for people like me (read: lazy). It would be like, "this hetereosexual male in your neighborhood is also watching 30 Rock right now." And then you two can text back and forth about watching 30 Rock together and ultimately decide neither of you wants to leave his/her apartment, but at least you tried! That's the kind of dating app I can get on board with.

Monday, December 22, 2014


It's that time of year again when people come up with lofty goals in an effort to improve themselves, most of which constitute eating sad food and taking up valuable space in the gym locker room for a couple weeks. Unlike these kinds of people, I have always tried to make my resolutions reachable because I like feeling successful, or because I'm lazy. Last year, however, I ambitiously came up with 12 resolutions. Now it's time to see how I did. 

Resolutions for 2014:

1. Buy fresh foods. What does this mean really? I mean, everything was fresh at one point, right?
2. Cook said foods. Does boiling water count as cooking? But seriously, I make most of my meals now, especially if you consider chips and salsa a meal.
3. Make my own coffee. I can't even tell you how dramatically my life has improved since buying a french press. 
4. Eliminate fat talk from my vocabulary. Every day's a struggle (RIP Biggie). I haven't yet perfected this, but I will say it makes me want to stab myself in the ears whenever I hear anyone else fat talk, so that's an improvement.
5. Be less internety.  LOL.
6. "Advance professionally"  One time, I accidentally sent a job application to 900+ people including my boss and ended up getting a raise.
7. Perform at an open mic night. I'm sort of doing this on New Year's Eve, just in the nick of time! But I'm not telling you when or where because I'm terrified and my act might just be me drinking a bottle of wine on stage and crying.
8. Write a book. To be fair, I did start writing a book, but I hated everything I wrote. Also, how many more books about the horrors of dating do we really need? Let me sum it up for you: Dating is the pits. Someone save me from this hellish nightmare!!!!!
9.  Go to sleep at a reasonable hour/fall asleep/stay asleep/SLEEP. I got some drugs. They work.
10. Get up early enough to walk to work. No.
11. Learn how to paint my nails. Success! I got maybe one manicure in all of 2014.
12. Get on GirlCode. I don't have cable anymore and actually forgot about this show until now, but I'd still like to be on it. Someone call up MTV for me.

Possible resolutions for 2015:

1. Convince more people to come to my apartment so I never have to leave it.
2. Take the Game of Thrones tour in Iceland.
3. Watch all of these movies so I can fit in with society and also stop hearing people say, "OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T SEE [THIS MOVIE I LIKE]."

What are your resolutions?