Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Things I learned this weekend

1. The room I stayed in at the Brandon Inn can only be described as my grandmother's guest room that was designed in the 70s and remained/smelled the same ever since.

2. Nature is pretty cool sometimes.

3. I'm in the planning phase of developing Crotchless Spanx. Note that trademark. Don't even think of stealing that shit.
4. Do think of donating to my kickstarter, though.
5. Crotchless Spanx will come in a variety of colors to perfectly match your skin tone.
6. I'm hoping Cover Girl TruBlend will want to sponsor this endeavor.

Easy, breezy, beautiful.
(emphasis on breezy because they'll be crotchless)

7. If this idea fails, I'm going to develop a game for men to play in bar bathrooms. Picture the water gun carnival game but with urine.

8. I should work on that pitch.
9. Weddings have become my hobby. Good thing that are pretty effing fun.

10. I literally need to be taught how to Dougie. This would have come in handy before wedding season.
11. If a daddy long-legs is crawling toward you, a good friend will throw a piece of wedding cake at it to protect you.

12. The other night, I had a dream that Boo had a JOB as a HALL MONITOR for OTHER CATS. It was the cutest M-F thing that has ever happened in my imagination. And yes, I know exactly what this says about me.

Picture him with a little stop sign on his forehead. OMG.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014


Does anyone else watch Jeopardy! regularly like I do? Last night, the final clue was something along the lines of  "Readers of this 1948 short story wrote the author to ask where the title event occurred so that they could go watch."  The answer was "The Lottery" by Shirley Jackson. You likely read it in high school or college or at some point in your life. But if you haven't, SPOILER ALERT, it's essentially about a public stoning.

Worth reading, if you haven't, though I totally just blew it for you.

WTF? People actually wrote in to ask where they could witness a public stoning? And literally no one on the show addressed how fucked up that was. Alex was all like, "Well obviously the answer is 'The Lottery' by Shirley Jackson, and obviously I knew that because I am pretentious and also have the answer in front of me." And the contestants were all like, "I'm going to win money, now!" But not one person said, Wait, what?! I was really disturbed.

Perhaps you're thinking, Girl, get a life. And I understand why you would think that, since watching Jeopardy! is a hobby taken up mainly by the 65+ crowd (as evidenced by all the incontinence  medication and AARP ads that play during the show).  But the truth is, I'm actually trying to cut back on life right now. I've been going out so much lately that I revel in sitting and not drinking or talking to anyone (unless you include shouting answers at the TV). So, Jeopardy! for the win.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Things I learned this weekend

1. If you accidentally send your resume to 900 people including your boss and coworkers, you might end up getting a raise.
2. Going to a bar in your hometown is a great reminder that who you were in high school means absolutely nothing.
3. I should appreciate where I grew up more, though.

4. My parents have had this painting in their house for decades, and I just realized how strange it is.

5. People who put their bags on the seat next to them on a crowded bus should be abandoned on the side of the road.
6. Men who sit with their LEGS SPREAD so that no one can fit in the seat next to theirs on a crowded bus should be publicly shamed.
7. No trip to the beach is complete without a quintessential beer-near-the-ocean shot.

8. I had a dream that I was learning how to play Dashboard Confessional songs on the guitar. What does it mean?!?!

9. This is next up on my reading list. Who's with me?

10. Someone let me know when the ice bucket challenge is over so I can return to Facebook.

What did you learn this weekend?

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

50 Shades of Grey

It's taken me a week and a number of invigorating Gchat conversations to synthesize my thoughts on the 50 Shades of Grey trailer. I want to emphasize that-- all of these thoughts are the result of watching a 2 minute trailer, not after watching the movie in full, or even reading the book. That said, maybe what I've concluded is off-base, but I doubt it's not at least a bit insightful (because when have I ever written anything that was not insightful?)

When I watched the trailer, I immediately had a feminist crisis. On the one hand, it's sexy (mostly because of Beyonce's seductive, husky remake of "Crazy in Love" playing in the background, which is obviously the reason why I watched it in the first place). But on the other hand, it's grossly misogynistic, not to mention generic and tacky. 

In the words of my enlightened friend, Dugan: "Let's take the most tired tropes of chivalrous/chauvinist 'romance' stories and make it 'modern' by adding S&M." And that's exactly what they did. 50 Shades of Grey is basically the 21st century, R-rated version of Beauty and the Beast, except instead of dancing teacups there are whips and chains. The story line is essentially the same: here's this small, naive girl, who is manipulated by a big powerful man into becoming his sex slave. (But don't worry -- as long as you do what he wants, he'll turn into a prince and marry you.)

"But if she's getting her kicks too, then what's the problem?", some of you may be thinking. The problem is that this movie, and so much of American entertainment, is the cause and effect of rape culture. America is obsessed with rape. Why else would there be thousands of episodes of SVU?  50 Shades of Grey is just a perceivably nicer, more accessible rape fantasy. And I'm not trying to judge people for the kind of sex they're into - if it's safe and consensual, do your thang. But I do find it disturbing that these stories have become a framework of pop culture50 Shades of Grey is not a fetish porn; it's a Blockbuster film playing in movie theaters around the world.  And movies like 50 Shades of Grey just reinforce all the backwards cultural messages we receive constantly every day -- messages that tell women they should be ready and sexual (but not too sexual!), and that teach men to feel entitled to sex. 

And that's the problem.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Things I learned this weekend

1. I am a professional athlete.

Major League.
2. Bocce is actually pronounced bow-chay, but who cares? This is America!
3. This is some dope-ass bread, you guys.

When Pigs Fly

4. Just when you're thinking, This wedding could use some Beyonce, "Single Ladies" comes on.
5. Speaking of Beyonce, this happened at 1 am on Sunday morning:


6. Your feet will definitely feel broken after a night of dancing in heels.
7. To do cocktail hour right, you must strategically sit or stand near the door from which all of the hors d'oeuvres are coming. 
8. Splints are the wedding accessory of the year.

9. You know you're in New Hampshire when you see a man in a wheelchair wheeling around a hotel with a cigarette in his mouth, playing Deliverance-style country music from a hand radio.
11. Uber is one of the best inventions of our time. 
12. I love these people so much.

13. I held a republican's hand this weekend, so you can't ever say I'm not bi-partisan. 

Monday, July 28, 2014

Things I learned this weekend

1. This picture quite accurately portrays my neighborhood:

2. Men and women have very different experiences at the beach. Women like to lay and read, while men need to constantly play catch.
3. If you go to the beach with all guys, they'll joke about how funny it would be if you got sucked out to sea. #friendship

4. They'll also bring dick towels.
5. Pasta salad is "too heavy for the beach".
6. Before I die I want to:

7. On that note, the other night I had a dream that I could turn into a dragon. It was the most bad ass dream I've ever had.
8. When I go to the bar, I ask for crayons and draw nearly perfect representations of people's favorite animals.
Monsieur Cantfly Sofly

9. Sylvia Plath impeccably described my college experience in one sentence:

10. I took a quiz and found out that I would be sorted into HUFFLEPUFF. This was a life-altering revelation.
11. I also asked an unbiased third-party to tell me what house he thought I would be in, and he immediately, without any hesitation, answered Hufflepuff.
13. I'm feeling the F out of this album:

14. The 50 Shades of Grey trailer has caused me to have a feminist crisis. I would like to discuss this with someone sometime immediately*.

15. I am taking a day off this week just to sleep. And hopefully write something for you all.

What did you learn this weekend?

*Editor's Note: I have not read this book. I only watched the trailer because Beyonce posted it (obviously). I still need to talk about it in depth. 

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Don't think she's just his little wife.

I know you've all been waiting for me to comment on the Beyonce / Jay-Z drama that's happening all over the internet right now, so here's my comment: WHATEVER.

I really don't care if they do or don't get divorced, and I also don't know why anyone would be shocked at this point. Beyonce has been writing songs about infidelity since 1999 and for some reason everyone's just noticing this now? Did everyone think Jay-Z was faithful to her up until this year?

Second of all, Beyonce doesn't need Jay-Z to be queen. Let's get real, Jay hasn't put out a good album since 2009. He's riding on Beyonce's coattails. 


And that's fine. I aspire to be the breadwinner of the family. You go, girl. 

And to everyone who is all like: "Their marriage is just a business deal!", my response is: Duh. Marriage has always been a business deal. Read the bible. 

The point is Beyonce is and will continue to be the most powerful female celebrity in the world, regardless. None of this matters. 

Bow down.

*And if all of this is just a rumor, then congratulations to them on their beautiful love affair. And all that money.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Gym Time

Remember that time I wrote a heartfelt, romantic post about my gym and how it was the most successful relationship I've ever been in and how I would never leave it because it was so special to me, blah blah blah? Yeah, I totally quit that shit. Kicked it to the curb! Turns out the extra hour that getting there and back added on to my life wasn't worth it. Because my time is PRECIOUS and also I need to be home in time for Jeopardy! (thisiswhyyouresingle.com).

"What is getting shot in the face? ... by Dick Cheney?"

As you may or may not know, I work at a university that gives me access to multiple gyms for $30 a year (aka free), so why I ever paid for a gym is something I don't want to spend my time justifying to you, or to myself anymore. Given the cost and the amount of students/staff here, I expected the gyms to be dismal, putrid places, and so I mentally prepared for such, but they are actually really quite acceptable. No, they don't have free lotion or tampons, but they are still better than Planet Fitness and did I mention they are (almost) free?

This week, I began going to the gym during the work day for the first time and, let me tell you, it is JOYOUS. It's so nice to get my workout over with and be able to go home (or to happy hour) right after work. I recognize that I am particularly lucky to be able to do this and that it is only possible because:

1. The gym is a 2 minute walk from my office.
2. I can take my "lunch break" whenever I want.
3. My hair rarely needs to be washed/brushed/styled (at least in my mind)
4. It takes me approximately 65 seconds for me to put on make up.
5. I am very low maintenance.

The best part about this very new routine is that I actually leave my office. Otherwise, I sit at my desk for 8-9 hours straight, not including the 30 seconds I get up each hour when my you're-going-to-die-from-sitting timer goes off. Why didn't I do this before?!

Totally unrelated to this post but 100% related to my life.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Things I learned this weekend

1. If you throw a ball for a dog once, you throw a ball for a dog 100 times.

2. This is the only 100 calorie pack I will ever care about.

3. Boo loves me so much more these days.

4. I incorporate Beyonce into all aspects of my life including baby showers.

5. I like Lake George more than Cape Cod. [Cue onslaught.]

6. I haven't cared about flavored iced coffee since 2004... but then I had this coconut iced coffee from Honey Dew.

7. Sorry I'm not sorry.

8. This is just a collection of photos you've probably already seen on instagram.

What did you learn this weekend? 

Friday, July 11, 2014