Sunday, July 15, 2018

Summer 2018

Is it hard to believe that I'm still using Blogger or is it extremely #onbrand?

I had a very special birthday.

SHOWS:

Wednesday, July 18th, 8pm: The Comedy Studio at Remnant Brewing, Somerville
Monday, July 23rd, 8pm: Comedy Dinner Show, Capo, South Boston
Wednesday, August 1st, 8pm: The Pour House, Boston
Sunday, August 5th, 8 pm: East Boston Comedy, Maverick Marketplace
Monday, August 13th, 8 pm: McGreevy's, Boston
Friday, August 17th, 9 pm: The Dover Brickhouse, Dover, NH
Friday, August 24th, what time zone is this: Fringe Festival, Edinburgh


EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT AT 9 AT THE DUGOUT CAFE: The Mendoza Line Comedy Show!

Thursday, April 5, 2018

Kewl Gr8

My little baby child, The Mendoza Line Comedy Show, is officially back. This is CRITICAL to my mental health, so please come, every Saturday night at 9 pm, at The Dugout Cafe.



ALSO, the Women In Comedy Festival is right around the corner and it's going to be amazing.



Ok cool.

TBH no one at all cares about this "website" including me.

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

The Book of Esther

There are a handful of feminist heroes in the Bible and my favorite of all is Esther. In fact, I love her so much that I’ve decided if I ever have a baby girl, I’d name her Esther, and if I ever have a baby boy, I’d just throw it in the trash (because I also appreciate the story of Moses).

Look, I know most people are probably not that interested in reading the Bible or anything in prose form, but there are 3 reasons why you should give the Book of Esther a chance:
  1. It’s very short  (not a lot of words to read)
  2. It’s about a woman (technically directed by a man, but still)
  3. It’s the only book in the Bible that doesn’t explicitly mention God (who we all know is the original fuckboy)
Still not convinced? Fine, I’ll just sum it up for you. Here it is, The Book of Esther:


The story starts with Ahasuerus -- the King of Persia and another historic fuckboy -- divorcing his wife because she’s not kinky enough for him.  He’s like, “Daddy wants to fuck”, and she’s like, “I’m tired and you’re impotent”, and he’s like, “whatever ur an ugly bitch anyway” and kicks her to the curb. Immediately thereafter, he starts looking for a new queen with some very specific criteria:

  1. she’s gotta be super hot
  2. she’s gotta be super young, and
  3. she’s gotta be a virgin. 
(Also, if you scroll down to the bottom of his profile, it absolutely says “No fatties”.)

So he swipes through a bunch of chicks, but ultimately picks Esther because she’s a total smokeshow, like irresistibly attractive. But the thing about Esther that he doesn’t know is that she’s also really smart AND she’s secretly Jewish. This becomes problematic because one day, Ahasuerus’ right-hand man, Haman, says to him, “Hey, I think you should kill all the jews.” And Ahasuerus is like, “Okay!” and orders a massacre. (I mean honestly could they have come up with any other plotline by this point? HACKS.)

Anyway, secretly-Jewish Esther obviously isn’t a huge fan of this idea, so she devises a plan to stop it. She’s like, “Hmm, what embarrassingly simple thing could I do to get a man to change his mind? I know -- trick him with sex!” So she goes and fasts for three days -- a little diet tip she learned from Cosmo -- and once she’s all frail and sick looking (just like her man likes it), she seduces Ahasuerus. At some point during what I can only imagine to be very disappointing foreplay, she whispers in his ear, “Hey Ahasuerus, how about you, like, not kill the Jews”.  And he’s like, “Baby, I’ll do anything you want because even though I have complete authority, I’m actually pretty dumb and also horny as hell.”

So the next day Ahasuerus tells Haman, “Uh, nevermind on the whole killing the Jews thing -- the old ball-and-chain won’t let me do it lol”.  And everyone laughs because he’s negging his wicked hot wife who is way too good for him and yet somehow only a supporting character of the show*.  Then, to really emphasize his masculinity, Ahasuerus has Haman hanged and tells the Jews, “You’re totally welcome to kill some Persians, if you want.” And they do. A lot of them.

So why do I like this story?  Well, because in the end, it’s about a woman empowering herself with her sexuality and in result, 75,000 men die.

Happy Purim, everyone.

*Actually Esther’s cousin, Mordecai, is named the hero of this story, but not in my opinion, so I didn’t mention him at all. Forget I even said this.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Hi, I still have this blog

Can you believe I still user Blogger? Me either. I'm thinking of transitioning back to GeoCities.

Anyway, I swear people have been asking me to let them know when I perform comedy, so if you're interested in seeing me sometime over the next couple weeks, you can find me on:

Pretty much just Wednesdays, I guess.

For my Women In Comedy Festival schedule: CLICK RIGHT HERE.

superfluous picture of my cat surrounded by clutter

Oh also, my precious little gem baby -- The Mendoza Line Comedy Show (*every Saturday night at 9) -- is still *on hiatus while the Dugout renovates, but we'll be back very very soon, so keep checking facebook/twitter/instagram/my desperate text messages for updates.

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Bad Feminist

I'm a bad feminist and here's why: 

I've been sexually harassed on multiple occasions (in the past and recently and continually), and at no time did I speak up nor defend myself.

This keeps me up at night: thinking about these incidents and feeling guilty for ~putting myself in those situations~.

I know it’s wrong to generalize a group of people (a good feminist wouldn’t do that), but men, you are so predictably awful, so often, even when I’ve truly, truly tried giving you the benefit of the doubt.

But I’ve also never said that to you when you’ve violated my trust. In fact, I think I said thank you(!) and pretended it was fine.

I have spent countless hours reassuring men of their worth, sacrificing my own in the process.

What else? 

I've watched women attack and tear each other down, and chose to step away, to say nothing, to protect myself and my feelings instead.

I shook my head at women for not supporting other women, but I did not support other women.

Oh yeah, and I haven’t leaned in, I haven’t asked for things I deserve, I haven’t convinced myself I deserve things. I’ve said nothing.

I’ve said nothing.
I’ve said nothing.
I’ve said nothing.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Favorite Albums of 2017

This is a thing I do every year, and I'm not just going to stop because it's inconsequential and uninteresting to most people. Why would I do that?

1. SZA - Ctrl



2. Diet Cig - Swear I'm Good At This



3. Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.



4. HAIM - Something to Tell You



5. Waxahatchee - Out in the Storm



6. St Vincent - MASSEDUCTION



7. Adult Mom - Soft Spots



8. Big Thief - Capacity 



9. Lorde - Melodrama



10.  Radiohead - OK Computer OKNOTOK (technically forever probably)




This was really hard!!!!!  2017 was a great year for music and a terrible year for the world!!!!!!!

Thursday, November 2, 2017

November 2017

Oops, I've been bad at updating this because it's tedious and self-indulgent. I promise I did comedy in October. In other states and everything! Anyway, I wish I were tech savvy enough to embed (??) a calendar on here or have an actual website, but alas. I have an iPhone 5se that no longer works since the latest iOS update!!!!! What do any of these words even mean!?!?!?

Literally no one cares, but here I am:

Thursday, November 2nd, 7 pm: Club Cafe, Boston, MA
Monday, November 6th, 8:30 pm: ROFL House, Fall River, MA
Thursday, November 9th, 7:30 pm: Art Lounge, Arlington, MA
Saturday, November 11th, 11 pm: ImprovBoston, Cambridge, MA
Friday, November 17th, 8 pm: Hideout Comedy, Boston, MA


EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT, THE MENDOZA LINE COMEDY SHOW, 9 PM, THE DUGOUT CAFE.  THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I HAVE IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Oh, also, please stay tuned for my annual Best Albums of the Year post that absolutely no one values but me!!!!!!

DO THESE EXCLAMATION POINTS ILLUSTRATE ENTHUSIASM? WHAT ABOUT THE CAPSLOCK?

Friday, August 25, 2017

September 2017

Thursday, September 7th: Thunderbar, Allston
Wednesday, September 13th, 9 pm: Stand Up Jam, ImprovBoston, Cambridge
Thursday, September 14th, 8 pm: Hot Dog Sideshow, Worcester
Friday, September 15th, 7 pm: Maggy's Lounge, Quincy
                                                10 pm: Token, ImprovBoston
Sunday, September 17th, 8 pm: Liquid Courage, Slumbrew, Somerville
                                                 9 pm: The People's Show, ImprovBoston
Wednesday, September 20th, 8 pm: ImprovBoston, Cambridge
Thursday, September 21st, 7 pm: Headliners, John Harvard's, Cambridge
Sunday, September 24th, 7 pm: Champions Comedy, Cambridge
Wednesday, September 27th, 6 pm: Midway Cafe, Jamaica Plain

this was fun

And/or come to The Mendoza Line at the Dugout Cafe every Saturday night at 9 pm! KGr8

Friday, June 30, 2017

July/August 2017

Thursday, July 6, 9 pm: Midway Cafe, Jamaica Plain
Friday, July 7, 8 pm: Maggy's Lounge, Quincy, MA
Sunday, July 9, 8 pm: Hideout, Boston
                                 9 pm: People's Show, ImprovBoston, Cabridge
Thursday, July 13, 8 pm: Red Nun, Cape Cod, MA
Thursday, July 20, 7:30 pm: Joe Fish, North Andover, MA



Wednesday, August 2, 7 pm: Ellis Room, Brookline, MA
Saturday, August 5,  8 pm: GEM, Boston
Friday, August 11, 8 pm: Asheville Comedy Festival, Asheville, NC


Monday, August 14, 9 pm: Sea Dog Comedy, South Yarmouth, MA
Saturday, August 19, 8 pm: Broad Appeal, Somerville
Tuesday, August 22, 8 pm: McGreevy's, Boston

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

June 2017

Saturday, June 3rd, 9 pm: Battle Royale, ImprovBoston, Cambridge
Sunday, June 11th, 9 pm: People's Show, ImprovBoston, Cambridge


Sunday, June 11th, 5 pm:  Bustin' the Body Police, The Rockwell, Somerville, MA.
This is a special stand-up, sketch, and storytelling event concerning body image, featuring a Q&A session with the Multi-Service Eating Disorders Association (MEDA)

Thursday, June 15th, 8 pm: Thunderbar, Allston
Friday, June 16th, 7 pm: The Gas at Great Scott, Allston
Thursday, June 22nd, 8 pm: Sweet Caroline's, Fenway

Saturday, June 24th, 8 pm: Bullshittin' with Brittain, Middlebury, VT
Sunday, June 25th, 8 pm: Cup of Comedy, Burlington, VT
Monday, June 26th, 8 pm: Comedy & Crepes, Burlington, VT

Tuesday, June 27th, 8 pm: McGreevy's, Boston


And don't miss Laugh While You Can's June show on
Wednesday, June 21st, from 6-8 at The Midway Cafe in JP,
benefiting Bikes Not Bombs.