Summer Reading

Now that I'm about done with school, and I'm going on a cruise on Friday, and summer is around the corner, I'm working on my to-read list. 

First up is Their Eyes Were Watching God, which I actually started reading for pleasure mid-semester but couldn't get through because a) I didn't have time to read for pleasure, duh, and b) call me racist, but I struggle with Ebonics.

After that, I'm going to read Tina Fey's Bossypants and Mindy Kaling's Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) because they are both my idols and I hope their books will teach me how to become them.

Then what? You tell me.

And, in case you're looking for something to read, here are my recommendations:

1. The Handmaid's Tale, by Margaret Atwood
How many times can I say it? This is quite possibly my favorite book of all time. I don't know that I can actually make that kind of declaration, but it really is a fantastic book. For those of you who like dystopain literature, like The Hunger Games, except actually well-written, then this is for you. Also if you're a feminist equalist.  Also if you live near Harvard Square because it's set there. Did I just ruin that for you? Whatever, just read it, ok?

2. The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingslover

For people who love Africa and the Bible. And you should love the Bible, by the way. Not because of like, Christianity or whatever, but because it is so sexy and magical. Which, if you know anything about me...

Sexual magic.

Don't bother with The New Testament, though -- total snooozefest.  

3. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll 

I don't think any other story has resonated with me quite like this one. I even have an Alice-inspired tattoo. Alice 4-L. Anyway, I'm guessing most people already know the story because of the Disney movie, or Tim Burton's, which was atrocious and RUINED MY CHILDHOOD, but it's worth reading. It's not long and it's written for kids, so you have no excuse. [Editor's note: If anyone dares to leave a comment about drugs or pedophilia, know that I will absolutely send you a howler. You've been warned.]

4. The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant
This is about women getting their periods and having babies - FUCKING NASTY. But for some reason, I actually loved it.

5. Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit, by Jeannette Winterson

I read this novella about a month ago and loved it. It's a coming-of-age tale (which I obviously love, probably because I'm 26 and still don't feel "of-age"). It's also a bit feminist, and a bit biblical. See a theme here?

And for something different:

6. The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing, by MT Anderson

I'm including this on the list since young adult fiction is SO HOT RIGHT NOW (except that this was written in 2006). This is for people who like history, or Boston, or "freedom," or Africa again. And, if you're interested, I have a lesson plan to go along with the book, which I created that one time I thought I was going to be an English teacher.

7. Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, by David Sedaris

This will make you laugh out loud, as in LOL. It's my favorite of all his books, though I haven't yet read his latest, Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls. It's on my list, however.

My final recommendation is to not waste your time reading The Great Gatsby AGAIN so that you can see the movie. You've already read it. Read something else. You'll still be able to understand the movie, I promise. Hint:  

But if you haven't already read it, then you totally should. You should also make sure your high school diploma is actually valid.

Things I learned this weekend: Volume 4

1. Daenerys is like a smaller, cuter Abraham Lincoln. With dragons.
2. I am totally [platonically] in love with Lady Lamb and the Beekeeper:

3. I actually really suck at Big Buck Hunter. This is a very sad realization because I was once a HUNTER HERO.
4. If you see The Great Gatsby on opening night, you'll be surrounded by people who think they are literary geniuses for having read the book in 9th grade and so they are entitled to talk, clap, and laugh throughout the entire movie. You people are the only thing I didn't like about my major.

5. Don't ever forget to close your tab, especially if you live on the other side of the city and don't have a car.
6. Probably don't ever open a tab again, ok?
7. 20-25% of women in college are sexually assaulted before graduation.
8. They are often blamed by their peers.
9. We can change that:

10. And that sums up my final paper, which concludes my academic career*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*until further notice

How to Be Happy as a Single Lady

This post is for my internet friend turned IRL friend, Katie, who recently broke up with her boyfriend of 6 and a 1/2 years and needs some encouragement. Katie - I have succumbed to Thought Catalog "journalism" for you. You're welcome.

How to Be Happy as a Single Lady

(Or, "Katie Qué's 12-Step Program")

Step 1: Put on Beyonce.

Step 2: Buy a cat.

Step 3: Go home after work, put on sweatpants, eat peanut butter straight out of the jar with your fingers. Get peanut butter all over said sweatpants. Look down at them and say, "IDGAF" because no one is there to look at and/or judge you.

Step 4: Go out. A lot. You're young. Who cares if people think you have a drinking problem? How can drinking ever even be a problem anyway?

Step 5: Whiskey.

Step 6: Make friends with everyone you meet (step 5 helps with this). At least at first. You can determine later whether or not they're actually cool, but in the mean time, acquire as many allies as possible. (Note: you should really focus on acquiring single allies. This is key.)

Step 7: If steps 4 and 6 are not your cup of tea, then live your life on the internet. Actually, even if they are your cup of tea, live your life on the internet. You might find that people like you more there. You might even find that people you have never met have imaginary sex with you. This could make you feel scared OR it could make you feel flattered because imaginary sex is probably the only kind of sex you're having these days. (SRY.)

Step 8: This. (NSFW)

Step 9: Take some classes. Maybe don't go back to grad school when you're working full-time because how would that ever be enjoyable? But maybe take something like improv or yoga or Spanish or this: http://www.marinhumanesociety.org/site/c.aiIOI3NLKgKYF/b.8016311/#.UYP4aaKR-So

Step 10: Read The Handmaid's Tale. Right now. In fact, this should really be Step 1, but I'm too lazy to start over.

Step 11: "Find yourself."

Step 12: And last, but certainly not least:

howsweeteats.com

www.kevinandamanda.com

Things I learned this weekend: Volume 3

I think this will now be a weekly post, since I have nothing else to write about these days.

1. Ygritte (thank you, Kim) is a stage 5 clinger.
2. If you were ever in a sorority, and/or live with someone who was in a sorority, you will have accessories on hand should you decide to go to an impromptu Gatsby social.

I don't know how to make a normal face in a selfie.

3. Silver Linings Playbook is about how one person's ridiculous sports superstitions can affect everyone around them. So, I'm sorry about that.
4. Not going out on a Friday means that you will wake up refreshed, go to the gym, do laundry, write an entire paper, and feel human on a Saturday. Who knew?
5. Put the peanut butter inside the Oreo, not on top. DUH.

DUH.

6. Ordering 12 plates of Chinese food the week before will teach you a valuable lesson that can be applied to any and all ethnic food. For instance, although you may feel like you need 4 orders of naan, you do not, so don't order them.
7. Note: this rule does not apply to margaritas Mexican food, which I don't think can even be considered ethnic anymore anyway.
8. Speaking of ethnic, you're never too old to celebrate your quinceanera.

Feliz cumpleaños a Meredith.

9. My life very obviously revolves around food, specifically peanut butter and Oreos.

and most importantly:

10. BOO IS FAMOUS: click.

RIP Me.

My blog is dying a slow painful death, ya'll. Ya'll?

Anyway, here are some things I learned this weekend:

1) Happy hour should be limited to an hour or two at the most. 7 hours is far too long. You might end up yelling at your friends about gender equality.

2)  I have more self-control than I think.

Totally could have bought this.

3) It's completely unnecessary to order 12 plates of Chinese food for three people.

4) After eating 12 plates of Chinese food, you might have to lay down in the middle of Boston Common and cry and moan for a while.

That thing about self-control...

5) Grad school is the M-F PITS when it's nice out.

6) Jon Snow can CALL ME.

Know it all.

7)  And finally, this:

I should just stop talking.

Sometimes you just need a cookie. For me, sometimes is like 3-4 times a week.

Last night, I logged into my online chat for one of the classes I'm taking (and currently not passing) and immediately forgot that I was in there. These things happen when you have undiagnosed ADHD. As is customary, I proceeded to have an incredibly inappropriate conversation with my roommate about all the incredibly inappropriate things I used to write in my LiveJournal (!) in college. About two minutes into this discussion, I remembered that I was logged into a live online chat with my TA. I said, "Oh my god, am I live right now?", at which point, one of my classmates typed into the chat "Yes!"

Cue panic attack.

I messaged the few people I know in my class "OMG" and "911" to emphasize the urgency. Because I'm never dramatic about anything ever.  My friends said that they could not hear me, so the person in the chat may have been saying "yes" to something else going on, but it's still unclear whether my TA could hear me.  Please cross your fingers for me.

Anyway, like I said, sometimes you just need a cookie, and I definitely needed a cookie right then. So, of course, instead of making up for my idiocy by actually paying attention to the rest of the online discussion, I did this:

And I wonder why I'm failing.

I also burned my hands and mouth because I couldn't wait one M-F minute for them to cool before eating them.

911, you guys.

Speed Dating

I went speed-dating the other night. It was as bad as it sounds. Or maybe not that bad.  It was actually surprisingly boring yet exhausting. I felt like I should have gotten a job or at least a check at the end of the night. Interestingly enough, there are waiting lists for this kind of shit, which means there are many many people out there who truly believe they will meet someone through speed-dating. I think that is probably their biggest problem, but who am I to judge? My major concern during the evening was that the waitress never came to my table.

To prepare myself, I reviewed the website, which advised the women to come early for a "complimentary makeover." This sentence made me want to die a little and so I intentionally did not go early in the hopes that I could avoid being objectified by a "certified cosmetologist." Turned out, though, that the event was actually horribly organized and there was no such cosmetologist present. There was also no explanation about what you were supposed to do. Luckily, I'm a fast learner and discovered quickly that all speed-dating really entails is having the same conversation 17-20 times. Then, if you are interested in someone, you write down his name and number on a piece of paper and give it to a receptionist. And please note that by number, I don't mean phone number, but more like how you would label cattle. ROMANCE.

Despite the fact that I was 100% dreading it, I went into the night feeling confident since a) I didn't actually give a shit and b) people usually like me initially. Initially being the operative word here. Statistics show that my novelty wears off somewhere between 3-5 weeks. So, it seemed like rapid-fire dating would come naturally to me. Then again, I didn't drink much beforehand and statistics also show that people typically ask me out when I'm totally drunk at a party. And then I make them repeat everything they told me at that party on our first date because I was too drunk to remember. It's possible that could have something to do with the whole 3-5 week thing.

Anyway, speed dating was like multicultural night for the socially awkward. I think everyone there worked in IT exclusively. Those people need a support group or something. I'm also pretty sure that I was the least accomplished person in the room. Most of the people I talked to were at least 30 and living in the suburbs in houses they OWN, and I was all like, "Yeah, I live in a basement, so."

One guy asked me what my greatest passion was (he must have googled, "questions to ask while speed dating"), to which I responded, "Eating." This actually led to the most interesting conversation of the night, involving a discussion  about exotics meats.  On that note, have you guys heard of the lion craze happening in Illinois right now? Lion. Like, the king of the jungle. I feel like that's unethical. Then again, I can't say I wouldn't try it, since, you know, YOLO or whatever.

Needless to say, I didn't find my soul-mate through speed dating, but at least I can now cross it off my list of things I don't want to do but will do anyway.

I'm sure he just lost your number.

I was in the bathroom at a sports bar the other night. I came out of the stall and went to go wash my hands but two girls were occupying the sink area. So, I waited patiently while they discussed gender politics:

Girl #1: Have you ever lied to a guy and told him you liked sports?
Girl #2: No.
Girl #1: Oh, I have. I hate sports! But they really like sports.
Girl #2: No, you can't tell guys you like sports because when they find out you don't, they'll stop hooking up with you.

I was like, you girls are really sad and also can I wash my fucking hands now?

I'm pretty sure no guy has ever hooked up with a girl because she likes sports, or has stopped because she doesn't. More likely, he stopped hooking up with you because of your personality, so. Sorry?

But also, liking sports is not that attractive. See: me crying about football. Or this:

Writer's Block

The trouble with blogging is that it's a self-created obligation. I feel like I have to write something even when I have nothing to write about. This seems to be no problem for some bloggers who literally get paid to tell us what they had for breakfast, which is probably the same thing they had the day before. PAID. Fuck it all, everyone.

Anyway, since I have nothing important to say (do I ever??), I'm just going to share with you some of my most recent and random thoughts:

• Dragons can swim. This has been confirmed.
• Peanut butter is fantastic on most things but remarkably disappointing on Thin Mints. Do not waste your time.
• I would like to have sex to The 20/20 Experience, but please don't ask me to.
• Jesus was the original zombie craze.
• Three helpings of macaroni and cheese will result in 1-3 hours of incapacitation on my living room floor. Remind me about that next Easter.
• 26-year-old guys act like 13-year-old girls.
• Yoga is really hard but will teach you important things like there's a hole in your yoga pants and you need a pedicure.
• Some people are able to casually talk on the phone while throwing up on the sidewalk in Harvard Square.
• Harvard Square is surprisingly terrifying on Sunday nights.

AM I PREGNANT?

No. Because that would require intercourse, which is FOREVER ABSENT from my life.

However, I did just have the most intense craving for chocolate that I urgently ran out of my office to go get a chocolate chip cookie from Crema Cafe (also known as the best place in Harvard Square). On my way there, I had a panic attack inside my head, saying things like, "What if they ran out?!" As if I would die without the cookie. As if my life depended on it. But I think it did.

Anyway, you can all relax now. I got the cookie and I'm not pregnant. As far as I know.