Monday, August 3, 2015

People I think deserve to go to hell.

  • People who feed birds.
  • People who play games on their phone with the sound on.
  • People who leave their hair on the shower wall in the locker room.
  • People who get onto the subway before anyone has gotten off.
  • People who think their bag is more worthy of a bus seat than another human being.
  • Men who stretch their fucking legs out while sitting on the train like they're at the gynecologist.
  • Most people on public transportation.
  • People who put the toilet paper roll on top of the holder instead of inside it.
  • People who stand close enough behind you in line that you can feel them breathing on you.
  • Women who ask you how many calories are in the cookie you're eating.
  • People who listen to Pitbull.
  • Most of the members of the Night's Watch.

Friday, July 10, 2015

State of the Uterus

After some number of years on the Nuvaring, I decided to change my birth control. This will disappoint many as the Nuvaring has been a critical part of my stand up act. People love hearing about my Nuvaring, you guys. One comic even said he'd like to chew on it. Please note: Nuvarings are NOT CHEWABLE. That is very important.

It's not that I didn't like the Nuvaring; it's just that having to think about birth control even only once a month is very difficult for a disorganized mess like me. So, I decided to get an IUD.

Maybe you're thinking, Why is she talking about her birth control on the internet ? Or, more likely, Why does she even need to be on birth control - doesn't she have a cat? 

These are reasonable questions. I only have an answer to the first.

Before getting my IUD, I stupidly decided to do some "research" on the internet, which sent me on a downward emotional spiral. I literally cried in the shower before my appointment, terrified that I was going to die that day, spread-eagle in the stirrups at my gynecologist.

Spoiler alert: I did not die. But what a way to go, right?!

Anyway, the reason I'm talking about my birth control on the internet is because I hope that some anxiety-ridden girl, scouring the web at 1:30 am, will find this post and know that at least one person had a positive experience.

The worst part about getting an IUD was the panic I felt while reading about it on the internet.

I'm not going to tell you it was painless. But I am going to tell you that the procedure lasts approximately 35 seconds. Just breathe and say to yourself, "I HAVE A UTERUS OF STEEL," and you'll be fine.

Then, go out and get yourself some ibuprofen and a sleeve of Reese's peanut butter cups. Eat the whole sleeve. Take a nap. Enjoy your 5 years of sterilization*.


*Disclaimer: IUDs do not actually cause sterilization. For more information about IUDs, please consult the internet...

Monday, June 15, 2015

Things I learned this weekend

  • I finally saw Jurassic Park, the original, 20 years later.
  • It was great, not considering the fact that the audio was so bad I had to put on closed captioning.
  • Also, my apartment smelled weird that night so I spent most of the movie telling my friend, Kyle, that I was going to die in my sleep from chemical poisoning.
  • He loves watching movies with me. In high school, we saw LOTR together, during which I asked him what the difference between Sauron and Saruman was and then he didn't talk to me for 7 years. 
  • If Mad Max is the baseline for feminist entertainment, then I would say Jurassic Park is pretty feminist -- that one woman makes some remark about sexism in survival situations and then that girl saves the day using her computer-hacking skillz.  Plus, all the dinosaurs were bad-ass bitches.

  • I'm not good at paying attention so I actually don't know anyone's name in that movie and called every character "John".
  • You're never too old to hit a pinata in a park, with your adult friends, while an actual little girl jealously watches in the distance.

  • My 29th birthday party was the best party ever (not including that time I had actual ponies and not just a My Little Pony pinata).
  • My weekend was awesome until George RR Martin showed up and ruined everything.
  • I cried harder for Jon Snow than any guy I've ever actually dated in real life.
  • Because I'm a firm believer in magic, I do think he'll come back to life in some form, but I just hope that everyone else dies. Except for the dragons. And the wolves. I hope they both rule the throne. I hope everyone else dies and it's just a magical animal kingdom. BYE, GEORGE.
  • Since my "friends" let me watch Game of Thrones ALONE last night, I had to tell the computer my feelings:

Monday, June 8, 2015

Things I learned this weekend.

  • Stand-up comedy is hard because you have to keep coming up with new material.
  • There are only so many ways I can talk about my vagina.
  • Babies are kind of cute sometimes.

  • Their heads weigh at least 200 lbs, though.
  • And that head comes out of someone's vagina!!!!!!!!!

  • I'm always talking about vaginas. Vaginae? Help me out.
  • Cats and dragons are so similar. I just want to be in mothers' support group with Danaerys.

  • My phone autocorrects to capslock when I talk about dragons.
  • I have to give Boo metamucil now. He is more and more like his mother every day.
  • If Mad Max made you interested in feminist entertainment, then you should be watching Masters of Sex.
  • Virginia Johnson is my new hero. 

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Caitlyn Jenner

The overwhelmingly positive support for Caitlyn Jenner makes me hopeful. But since I'm a blogger, I found something negative to complain about. Yesterday, I overheard a conversation about Caitlyn's transition that riled me up (which is easy to do, if you know me at all). Some of the things I heard were:

"Why does he have to be a sexy woman? Why can't he just be a woman?"

Why can't you just eat a cookie and not tell everyone how bad you feel about yourself afterwards? Same reason. Women, whether they be trans-women or not, are held to unreasonable expectations of beauty. That is part of the reason you not-so-quietly talk about your weight and your diet and how your clothes fit and what your hair looks like to everyone in the office and sometimes even strangers. That is why women are sexed up on the covers of magazines. That is why none of us can just be a woman. So, of course, because Caitlyn Jenner is a woman, she will be treated like one. This is something to applaud and also to examine critically. Gender identity is tied to gender equality. Let's not forget that at the very end of the 2020 interview, Diane Sawyer quoted one of Jenner's former Olympic competitors, saying that he supported Jenner, "but wait, does that mean I was beat by a girl?" LOL, right?

"Why can't he just do it quietly?"

Well first of all, why can't you do anything quietly?  I ask myself that question every day when I'm sitting in my office listening to you complain about how busy you are as you online shop. Second of all, Caitlyn Jenner deserves much praise for not transitioning quietly, for helping to revolutionize how we treat and talk about transgender people and gender in general. Way to go, Caitlyn. What are you doing to change the world?

Monday, June 1, 2015

Things I learned this weekend

Recipe here.

  • Make sure to check all your burners before you leave the house, because you might accidentally leave one on and then your whole apartment will smell of gas when you get home.
  • Boo can survive a 12-hour gas leak but having to sit on our front stoop for an hour while we wait for National Grid to show up causes him to panic.
  • Friday night was a lot of fun.
  • I've officially [barely] survived living alone for one year.
  • You can swim in the Charles River, just make sure you don't touch the sediment

  • I finally watched the Bruce Jenner 20/20 special. My favorite part was at the very end when Bruce's former Olympic competitor wrote in to express his support for Bruce and then ~joked~, "Wait, so I was beat by a girl?" It was so funny! And it really showed how far we've come when talking about gender.

  • Game of Thrones blew my mind last night. Daenerys + Tyrion 4-eva. 
  • I think it's a bummer that zombies can't come back and just, like, hang out with their friends.
  • Zombies can't swim. Or can they?

Sunday, May 31, 2015

All the Single Ladies Pancakes

If you have been reading my blog, or been in my presence for 45 seconds, you know I'm single and living [the dream] alone. My weekend routine consists of waking up with my cat wrapped around my head, reading a book, and drinking some dope ass coffee I made in my french press. Ya''ll know how life-changing french presses are, right? 

Anyway, I usually like to follow that up with a decadent breakfast-for-one. After lots of experimenting, I've come up with a  single-serving pancake recipe that you should try, if you're ever alone and in need of carbs. There are tons of these recipes around the internet, but I think mine is the best. (This attitude is why blogs exist.)

1/4 cup of whatever kind of flour you have -- you want to use whole wheat? go the fuck ahead. 
1/4 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp baking soda
dash of salt
dash of cinamon (this CANNOT be overlooked)
1 egg
1/4 cup milk
1 tsp-ish of vanilla
1 tsp-ish of oil (i use vegetable because I'm not an elitist)
All the blueberries left in your refrigerator

Mix all this shit in one bowl. You can separate dry and wet ingredients, if you want, if you're high maintanence, or if you have a dishwasher. I don't care! 
Ladle the batter onto a heated pan. Ladling ensures equal distribution of blueberries. 
Flip them. Do I really to explain this? You guys know how to make pancakes, right? 
Good. Enjoy.

**Best served with a side of bacon and 2-3 episodes of The Mindy Project.


Friday, May 29, 2015

Katie Que&A

Dear Katie Qué&A,

How do I get my coworker to stop telling me about her baby?

Chafed-about-children in Charlestown

Dear Chafed, 
I know how you feel. As someone who doesn't care about babies, it's hard to know what to say when people show you pictures of one.  I usually go with something generic like, "Oh! It looks like a baby!" If that doesn't work, I recommend flooding her with pictures of something you take care of, like a plant, or your physical health. Did you have a good BM today? Tell her about it! I'm sure you've heard about her baby's adorable accidents at least once or twice. Say something like, "OMG, my poo was so runny today." That way, you'll either scare her off, or find someone to talk about your bowel movements with, and truthfully, isn't that all any of us really wants?

All backed up,
Katie Qué

P.S. Look at how perfect my cat is!


Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Mad Max

I saw Mad Max this weekend. I realized afterwards that having not seen the previous Mad Max movies tainted my experience. Truthfully, I didn't love the movie. SORRY EVERYONE. One of the things I like most about dystopias is learning how humanity destroyed the world. There wasn't much of that in the movie, since apparently it was covered previously in the series. I thought this was a remake. I don't know anything about movies, you guys.

I also really wanted to see some bad-ass, futuristic animals, but there were none of those either. So many better dystopias out there, you guys. So many.

For example.

Or maybe I didn't like it because all women hate action movies! When are Mad Max and Imperator Furiosa going to fall in love??!?!  Just kidding, actually, my favorite part of the movie was their not falling in love. [ACTUALLY, my favorite part of the movie was when I got carded to buy a ticket. I look under 17, you guys. I feel infantile and it's amazing.]

Obviously, I went to see the movie because I heard of its "overt feminist agenda" that men's rights activists are all riled up about. (I told my friend, Kyle, this, and he responded, "Men's rights activists? That's actually a thing?" Bless his heart.) If "overt feminist agenda" means showing men and women in equal roles, then thank god for feminism, right? It was refreshing to see a dominant female character, but still, I never felt like women prevailed over men. In fact, everything sucked for pretty much everyone, equally. Maybe that's the danger of feminism! We're all going to end up thirsty in a desert and it's all women's fault! Or something.  I honestly really don't know what people were upset about.

Then again, there was that once scene where Max handed a gun over to Imperator to do the shooting and I felt every man's penis retract into his body at that moment. World domination is around the corner, ladies!

But until then, make sure the government is okay with your contraception choice.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Update on Boo

He's fine, just $300 poorer, if you consider him part of my family income, which you should not because he's a deadbeat who doesn't contribute shit. On that note, I'm worried about his seemingly addictive personality. He not only doesn't mind taking medicine, he actually begs me for it. He finds the bag of drugs and tries to pull out the syringes on his own. This is how it starts. MY CAT'S ADDICTED TO DRUGS, YOU GUYS.

[This is probably not a funny joke on account of the fact that opiate addiction is a seriously problem, but, hey, when has political correctness ever gotten in the way of my blog?]

Speaking of medically induced addictions (?), a doctor from my hometown was recently indicted for illegally prescribing opiates. On the same day, a school bus driver in my town was arrested for drunk driving. Cape Cod is so classy! Just the vacation getaway you've always dreamed about.

Anyway, back to Boo. You know I don't like to make judgments about one's sexual history, but I can't help but think his promiscuity has something to do with this UTI.


Opiate addiction. Sex addiction. This is what happens when you find your pet on the streets!

I'm sorry for this post.